It has been my experience that there is less bullying being reported to me by the kids I work with. It would not surprise me that this is an actual trend in behavior. I think parents and teachers have generally done a good job teaching children to be kind and to self-advocate. On the other hand, the kids I work with are not reporting they have more friends.
Research suggests there are two kinds of social failure: being picked on and being ignored. Bullying is seen as a form of being picked on in school-aged children, but being ignored and left alone is not a success. I think many of the kids I work with have gone from being bullied to being ignored. My clients report that the other kids are friendly, but they don't seem to want to be their friends.
Friendships are voluntary by nature so I think rather than kids persecuting my clients for being non-traditional or having delayed social skills, they are simply avoiding them. Most of my clients have no idea what might be unappealing about them because reading subtle social cues and effectively comparing oneself to the norm are parts of the social deficits many people with autism have. I see it in my office, too. Children will put their feet on my couch, take off shoes, lay down, smell bad, pick their nose, or otherwise engage in behavior that is comfortable for them, but off-putting for me.
Years ago I learned that a direct verbal message devoid of subtlety is the best way to address such behavior. I tell clients if they want to be in my office they must stop picking their nose, or they need to figure out how to do something about their intense odor. No one has stormed out, and I don't think anyone has actually been offended. Most of my clients pragmatically agree to make the changes and parents are either apologetic or grateful or both.
And I think this is what's lacking in building friendships between autistic and non-autistic kids: candor and good-will. I am grateful we have taught neurotypical kids not to bully, but can we start teaching them how to communicate effectively? I would love it if someone at school told my client that they would like to be friends, but first they need to stop picking their nose in public. Nose-picking is a universally negative behavior, but most of my clients don't have a sense of how quickly it disqualifies them from relationships. Most of my friendship-desiring clients would be grateful if they could be clearly told (by teachers or peers) what behaviors they do that are off-putting. Honestly, I think the message would be best coming from peers.
Perhaps in a future post I'll describe the challenge of training neurotypical kids to be good communicators in such situations. For now I wanted to acknowledge cultural progress and suggest a goal for the next phase of work.
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