Regarding Support Groups for Parents

One of the most common requests I receive is for parenting support. Much of this comes in the form of parent training, which is a skilled therapeutic intervention. Almost as often, though, parents ask me for community-based parent support, such as peer-support groups. The challenge with this request is that good support groups are hard to find.

I coach parents, when trying out support groups, to look for two things that I think are essential to any parent support group worth your time. Support groups must help parents process suffering, and process the feeling of being out of control.

Philosophy of Suffering

Any parent who is doing any sort of good for their children will experience suffering. Suffering as a result of parenting may be one of the main reasons parents disengage from parenting. Suffering is inevitable, so parents must make sense of it. Ignoring the suffering is like ignoring pain while working out. Parents can easily disqualify themselves as safe, reliable sources of comfort and direction. Parents suffer in their parenting, so parents need support that can help them make sense of suffering. Developing a stable and rational belief of suffering is necessary.

Philosophy of Control

I have met parents that are heavily engaged in parenting but have not yet acknowledged their inability to control their children. Once you acknowledge the severe limitations on your ability to control your children, what do you do with that? Most parents disengage, worry, or over-engage. Feeling out of control, especially when society expects you to be in control, is something all effective parents must deal with. To be clear, I'm not talking merely about acceptance of being out of control, even if that is a good first step. I'm referring more to dealing effectively with a situation that is out of your control, but also your responsibility. Why is parenting like this? How do I make sense of doing my absolute best and yet still making mistakes that may hurt or disadvantage my kids? How can I expect of my children what I can't even consistently deliver? A good support group helps parents build a belief system around control.

Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) helps people in recovery make sense of both of these issues by having a philosophy about suffering and control. It's why it is a highly effective peer support group. I have noticed that parents in support groups struggle in a very similar way to people in recovery, and often need the same basic advice and support. It might be no surprise that the parents I work with who have also been in recovery a while tend to be some of my most peaceful parents.