The Roommate Relationship

In my experience, the roommate relationship is one of the hardest relationships to manage. It is so hard, in fact, that I tell people if they can avoid it, they should. Despite that, the roommate relationship remains highly functional and highly desirable for some. Here's a brief description of some challenges I have faced when working on the roommate relationship in my practice:

Function over form: Roommate relationships must work by any means, and often aren't pretty. If they don't work, they are dissolved. The rules set up to make such relationships work are purely functional and not necessarily moral or esthetic. This means that enemies can be roommates with a little effort and negotiation.

Compromise: Success in the roommate relationship means it matters to me that my roommate is getting their needs met. As opposed to a marriage, where it's right to make sure your spouses needs are getting met (i.e., for better or for worse...), it's purely functional for you to consider your roommate's needs. If they don't get their needs met, they leave. And then you're paying double for rent.

Liking my roommate: It matters little if you and your roommate are "into the same things." What matters is how much you will have to compromise your lifestyle to meet their demands, and vice versa. Too much compromise and it doesn't work out. Not enough compromise and it doesn't work out. Plus, the compromise is dynamic and constantly fluctuating and requiring tending.

Preexisting relationships: I cannot recommend best friends become roommates. As often as it works, it doesn't work. And, best friends are much harder to find than roommates. I just wouldn't take the risk.

Roommates becoming friends: Only when the roommate relationship is resolved, if it's resolved. Then, the friendship often ends up looking little like the roommate relationship.

Uniqueness: I don't see a lot of overlap between the roommate relationship and other relationships. Compromise and accommodation in the roommate relationship is purely functional and has nothing to do with affection or enjoyment of the person, like in a friendship or romantic relationship.

Social Norms: This is the hardest part of teaching someone how to be a good roommate, and how to find a good roommate. The average person seems to understand intuitively what is expected, what to expect, and when to finesse a roommate relationship. Most people aren't surprised when they work or don't work. There's just not a lot of common knowledge about how to train someone to be a good roommate, what to expect of one's roommate, how to hold a roommate to a standard, and what to do when standards aren't being met.

If you are considering being a roommate, or getting a roommate, or if you know and are otherwise responsible for someone who is considering this, please take good care to be well informed about the nature of the roommate relationship. Being a good roommate is difficult, finding a good roommate is difficult, and maintaining a functional roommate relationship is also difficult. However, the payoff for being able to do this is often measure very simply in dollars saved in rent.