Rational Parenting

Kids These Days

The big complaint about kids these days is they let their feelings dictate reality. Sometimes this is called rationalizing, but it is true that the cultural pendulum seems to have swung hard in the direction of the supremacy of self-expression. If you like you can do an experiment and record how many times your teen or young adult says, "I feel like..." when asked their opinion.

Parents These Days

I feel like this focus on how much culture has changed to influence our children has obscured a view of a similar style of parenting-one where the line between feelings and reality gets blurred. Recently I had a startling conversation with a mom and dad about a very difficult incident at home. They reported that they called the police to help manage their out of control teen. We had already talked about when to call the police and what to expect, but the time had finally arrived to make the call. What surprised me though is that even though there was an escalation in their child's behavior that resulted in police action (Therapist's note: Calling the police on a child is one of the most common fears I hear from parents), the parents were much more calm after calling the police than talking about when to call the police.

I pointed this out to the parents and they reported that the police came to the house and were able to calm their child by listening to the child and talking with the parents. Police left the house without making any threats or arrests, and instead gave clear instructions and encouragements. One officer even gave the teen their business card with a direct phone number and email address if the teen needed anything. The parents reported that knowing they could quickly access a higher level of authority who would not over-react but would instead focus on safety brought incredible sense of calm and reassurance.

Then the mom said something very interesting. She noted that she struggled with thoughts of embarrassment about what the neighbors might think, and what she would tell her own parents about the police incident. In a very real sense, having to call the police is evidence that things are getting worse. Her neighbors and her parents would reasonably worry or be critical. However, she could not deny the feeling that she felt more confident because the police had given them more resources. She told me she had to focus on that more desirable feeling of confidence because the sense of dread and self-pity were crouching at her door.

Rational Parenting

When it comes to feelings, Rational Parenting is failing to let feelings dictate reality. Instead, reality dictates reality and feelings need to be managed. In the above example, it's not necessarily rational to feel calmer after the police come to your house. Rational parenting considers all of the facts and chooses a feeling that supports goal-directed parenting while dealing with feelings that are counterproductive. Feelings are real, but they are also helpful or unhelpful based on what you're trying to do. The parent above had to deal with the very real but unproductive feelings of embarrassment or worry. She believed that police at the house meant things were worse, but ultimately she felt good about calling them.

Letting feelings dictate reality is a current struggle in our society, but we need to be careful about limiting that struggle to something outside of ourselves. I see parents struggle with hopelessness, fatigue, frustration, injustice, hurt, offense and a number of other negative emotions that put artificial limits on their parenting choices. I encourage you to be free of the belief of the supremacy of feelings short of dismissing the significance of those feelings. Let goals and reason dictate choices and decision, and expect satisfaction to be the result of right action.