The Two Grand Tasks of Parenting

For better or worse I have seen a number of parenting fads come and go. Parenting fads are much like fad diets in that they give us a burst of hope, require a lot of work, and ultimately leave most people worse off than they started. However, just like healthy eating, good parenting is relatively simple, if not profound. In most cases I can reduce parenting to two tasks.

Parent Well

Most people parent well most of the time. Much of parenting is common sense. Feed your child, make them go to bed, don't abuse them, send them to school. This is not to say that there aren't bad parents out there. The reality, however, is that most parents get by just fine in most cases. In fact, in psychology we have this intervention called "normalizing" which, session for session, likely has the greatest impact on my clients. I legitimately and without guile normalize my clients' experiences (e.g., what you're experiencing is relatively normal) and this helps them feel better and carry on with more confidence. The first task of parenting is to parent well.

Tolerate Your Shortcomings

Most parents, rightly, feel like they are not good parents, or are displeased with their performance most of the time. We can imagine how we could do or have done better. We look at other parents who seem to achieve more with less effort, or kids who are better adjusted and more successful than our kids. In short, we feel we fall short in our parenting and our kids suffer for it. This makes sense, too, since no one is adequately prepared for parenting and parenting is a skill one could improve on forever. Consequently, I think parenting incompetence in small doses is actually good for kids, but this is a topic for another time. The second task of parenting is to tolerate our shortcomings as parents. We accept, we learn, we move on.

The Cost of Intolerance

Some parents do learn to tolerate their shortcomings and accept that they sometimes make their kids' lives harder. However, some parents do not or will not tolerate their shortcomings. This is a problem because tolerance is at least half the job of parenting. So, what happens when a parent refuses or is unable to tolerate their incompetence?

Disengaged Parenting

If I can't be a great parent, why try? If mistakes are inevitable, even those that might hurt my child's feelings, what's the point? I have heard and made up hundreds of seemingly valid excuses to disengage from parenting over the years, but all of this is the result of failing to tolerate natural limitations in parenting ability and skill. Many disengaged parents find some other virtuous activity to do, including their jobs. Such parents find jobs or hobbies much more meaningful than parenting, or they find the feedback they get or the progress they seem to make is more fulfilling. Regardless, failing to tolerate their limitations as parents, the disengaged parents effectively generate clever and seemingly virtuous excuses for leaving their post.

Over-engaged Parenting

This might be the Hyper-parent, or the Superparent. Such parents refuse to accept that they have natural limitations in their parenting, or even that there is such a thing as "good-enough" parenting, so they will abdicate responsibilities in other areas in order to devote more time and energy to their parenting. I have met parents that will sacrifice sleep, friends, and sometimes even their marriage for the sake of putting more time and effort into their parenting. Hyper-parenting is beyond the normal levels of needing to adjust one's priorities every once in a while. It is closer to trying to eliminate the chance of a feeling that I could ever have done more for my child (i.e, avoiding future guilt). The problem with this drive is that it's impossible to achieve so one finds themselves cutting away more and more of the resources they need to be physically and emotionally healthy. I have known some Hyper-parents to become physically or emotionally unable to parent, or even relate to others.

Perhaps you see yourself, or some of your parenting, in one or both of these intolerance categories. I think the task of tolerating one's limitations in a reasonable way is very difficult, and it makes sense that you occasionally stray into the intolerance parenting camp. Getting back on track involves both affirming you are parenting in a way a normal person would expect you to parent, and accepting that you cannot always give your best, even to the occasional detriment of your child or partner. I encourage parents to apologize to their children and partner, routinely talk with other normal parents about parenting, and keep on keeping on.