Single vs. Shared

I have changed my mind about the college housing options for my autistic clients. Until recently my recommendation to all of my autistic clients going off to college was to recommend a single room. Now, I am more likely to talk about pros and cons of the options (including living at home), based on my experience, and facilitate a discussion between parents and their kids. The reality I have discovered is that shared living arrangements have their risks, and single rooms also have their risks. Both options present challenges, and both have some advantages.

Single Room

Traditionally, my clients would prefer the single room for several reasons. They could use their room as a place to unwind, and perform whatever decompressing activity they use without scrutiny or criticism. They also didn't have to worry so much about meeting the organizational and cleanliness standards of a roommate, nor put up with those someone else's standards. Organizational demands were simpler and the living environment was more predictable. Indeed, I have a number of stories from clients where they were moved to another room, or their roommate moved out while they were at class due to "irreconcilable differences." For others, the roommate relationship was the most stressful part about college. I think the roommate relationship may be one of the hardest relationships I have ever had, and I can only think of a couple that didn't require lots of effort and diplomacy.

However, single rooms are not without risks. One of the most common risks is isolation. My clients in single rooms report it is very hard to get to know people on campus, and some even feel cut off from others. Some of my clients have struggled with depression that got worse because of isolation. Some have lost track of time or can stay in their room for days without leaving. Some of my clients take advantage of not having to maintain a certain level of cleanliness to please the roommate to allow their room to become disgusting and at times unsafe to live in. Certain negative habits (e.g., staying in bed instead of going to class) become easier to do, and positive habits (e.g., talking with others) become harder to do. Single rooms should still be a consideration for some autistic students, but this option is no longer the default recommendation it used to be.

Shared Room

I consider the roommate relationship to be truly unique, and, in my opinion, one of the hardest relationships to manage. The roommate relationship is completely transactional and all decisions require 100% compromise. One client told me years ago that he wanted to have a roommate so he could make a friend at school. I let him know that a friendship was incidental with a roommate and, in many cases, impossible. Friendship should not be the main reason (or even in the top 5) for seeking a shared living situation. The potential for complex and explosive social situations with a roommate is very high, and my clients often struggle to socialize in low stress/high integration situations. Managing accelerated academics, independent living skill development, and a potentially explosive relationship with someone who sleeps on the lower bunk can often be too much for my clients.

Isolation is a lot harder to achieve when you have a roommate, even a combative one. I also find that my clients make much more progress with independent living skills and cohabitation skills when they're living with a peer as opposed to parents or a sibling. A roommate's criticism and expectations has higher valence than a sibling's or a parent's, and can lead to better progress with skill development. I keep my side of the room clean because I don't like it when my roommate complains. I could really care less what my parents think.

Suite

Suites, where multiple rooms branch off of a shared living space and a bathroom, can be a nice compromise that accentuates the positives and minimizes the risks of the other two options. Regardless, I like to counsel my clients that whatever they choose, even continuing to live at home, is going to require some change in behavior. One simply cannot enter adulthood and progress without facing some challenge. In addition to taking wise counsel and engaging in good planning, one must get ready to work.